Closer

Have you ever noticed that the closer that you become to some people the further away you draw yourself. I know that in life time i have have many friends, and during that time i have been able to become close to allot of people. many of these people have been women, i am always a great friend and friend that nobody wants to lose.

Why is that as a friend i can never get close to woman. I am Single and have 5 days left on 1yr long single trip that i have promised God. I want to know why that all the females find me as a good friend but not date material. Why is that I cannot find happiness but I'm able to find happiness for my friends, It is miserable being that person that is not able to find happiness for myself. There are many people that are close to me in my life. But it seems that i am only friends to them all.

I know that god loves and I love god, but why must i subdue these hard time. I just want that girl in my life that is perfect for me. I cannot see that is is in front of me, i always want what i cannot have, and I'm tired of it. Every time i find a place that god has me why is that i am dragged from that spot to a empty place.

There is a girl my life. She is the person that i thought i wanted, but i have decided that she is not able to love me like i need to be loved. There is only one person that still has my heart and will til the day that we pass from this world. You know how u are if you are reading this.

I find myself struggling with issue in my life, and feel that i don't have the support system that i feel that i had with you. I am still an empty vessel no matter i dress the outside. I need help and i need you both in my life. Please Save me from myself/

Wow it has been awhile since i last Blogged. So much has changed with me since then, i have become my person. I have learned allot about me, and who i really am, and want in life. I know what i want, and i will get what i want. Since god gave me the patience to wait, i shall do just do that. I believe that god has finally decided to bless me for my faithfulness, I am happy for this.

I have received so much of what i need from his grace, and kindness, and all MY glory will, and does go to God. It is weird to see how much i really changed in this time and what god has blessed me with. I now need to figure out what god wants me to do with my life.

I still Empty, and would like SOMETHING back in my life, but i have a feeling that i lost that for ever. I will never give up on that small bit of hope i still cling to. But I know that if by April, if it has not come to, then i WILL move on without it, and just lay low, and wait for a Miracle...You know the old saying;

P. Pray
U. Until
S. Something
H. Happen

I've been told i have the patience of JOB, and a saint, i will use this gift and have the utmost faith in the power of Christ, to do something so amazing.

I feel like moses, and the Pharaoh in Egypt... I feel that the more i do the harder it becomes, and "I do have people" , but not the type moses did...lol

So thank you Lord for giving s all the chance to to redeem ourselves everyday. Even if most people do not do this, i thank you giving me the chance to do so.
Thank yo for giving us the people in our lives, both on good and bad terms, I just ask that watch, and keep everybody safe lord, and you know the people i say a special prayer for. Amen!!

For Soon i will disappear and u will not be able to follow me, for like the grains in the sand there are many, i will blend in so well u will not know which i am, but i will always be there waiting for my other grain of sand. =)

Night of KING RAPLH"

As my friend dragged me out of my house, with my roomate laughing at me, I proceeded to the car, Unsure of the night ahead. I am starting a new job and these are my new friends. I start my life over, anew, and refreshed.
I Proceed to into a the bar, and climbed what seemed to a staircase that lead to the heavens, it had so many stairs, I introduced myself to everybody. Some remembered me, and others kinda new me, with Goatee i imagine it cause issues with my true face.

I enjoyed myself, and I also got to know these people i was hanging with. This is my new family and Crew, these are the people that i will be spending my life with..

I was there thinking about a certain girl, and how i wished that she was there with me. But she wasn't with me. I ended taking my friend to her house and taking care of her while she recovered. I stayed sober the ehole night and slept in a chair, and I cleaned her up and put her on the couch. Crazy drinkers...One day it will be my turn to drink and have somebody take care of me.
I am finding happiness again, Friday the 13Th Is the best day for me, i was able to accomplish so much today and helped so many people i feel good about myself. I even sat down with my extended family and had a prayer session. it was a little weird, but i enjoyed it, and it made me feel so much better.. I get to see more people from my past Sunday at a social gathering, I also prepare for my move to another place...wish me luck

"Marriage Apology"

Today i started the week, by reflecting what I'm done and caused. I had a fight my beautiful X-wife. Now don't get me wrong i still care for allot. I just hurt allot too.

I kinda said some things to her to set her off. Not because i could, but because i love her. I set her off so i could get her to say what she has been saying inside for so long. I Was able to get her to to tell me that she hates me. I really didn't want it to come to this, but at the same time i know there is no turning back. I have lost someone very special to me. I really don't want this person to leave me life, but i do love her enough to set her free, if that means making her mad at me so be it.

I know that allot of what happened in our marriage was caused by me. It is funny that as a marriage couple we cannot see truly what the other is really feeling, or going through. She was in such pain due to medical issue's. My stress was due to me not being able to support her and my kids the way i wanted to. I feel that i had allot on my plate, i was working 2 jobs, and was never home, But i would've done more. I could have gave that all up and and listen with my heart to what she was telling me... Honey, i don't feel well, and something must be done" What i heard was I Don't feel good and you need to fix this!
Over and over again i heard this, not really listening to what she was trying to tell me, and because i let this fester and boil up in me I did things I'm not proud of.

Allot of you may may abandon me after you read this and i don't blame you if you go. I physically abused my wife. I grabbed her and hurt her numerous times. I continue to ask myself why did she leave.. I know why as i think about those times. I know you are going to read this, and this is me telling you "I'm Sorry"!!
I 'm sorry on so many level you cannot begin to comprehend. You, and I truly have no idea what the other is going through right now.

I am sorry for the following things:

I'm sorry i was not THERE for you, I'm sorry that i didn't listen to you, i mean really listen, I'm sorry for not loving you in a way that you received love, I'm sorry for not being the man u knew i was. For yo having to give ruby up. Not showing you that were truly appreciated by me, and that only you mattered I'm sorry for not being there when i was needed. For not being more sensitive to to you, For not living for god in the first place. Sorry for the "other girls" that u thought were more important than you. Sorry for Causing yo all this pain, and suffering your going through now.

What i NOT sorry for;
I'm not sorry for sharing my most wonderful memories with you, For being part of your life, and you showing me what really was out there. I'm not sorry that i still love you, no different than the day you left. I'm not sorry for sharing you and my children and impacting there life. ( they still ask about you, and talk about you when i talk to them.)

I will move on in life, but i know god will not let me forget you, or let you leave, to many things have happened for me to forget yo so easily and just discard, and forget that you were part of my life. I am happy that we spend time together, but I'm sorry we ended it the way did. I will always be here for you, not that you will EVER need me, but i want you to know that I STILL LOVE YOU!

You will always be an important part of my life, and one of the best things to grace my path....Thank yo again for all yo did......Goodbye

Retrospect

Good Morning True believers, As another day passes as I continue to grow as a person. I realize that I haven't always been the greatest person, or the most caring. As I found myself caring for whatever was best for "Matthew". Well another group of wires has been put in place, yet again. I find myself healing every day, becoming stronger and wiser. I think god is finally starting to heal my heart. I find everyday is easier, bit my heart is still wanting, yearning for more. I will never give up hope for you my love. I know that your out there and I know that god will deliver you to me when the time is right and I am completely healed.

I am part of an Amazing family right now that loves me for who I am, not only as a person, but a spiritual growing child. They have all see so many changes in me in the last 1 1/2months. They know my pain and struggles and I thank them for all that they have done to take me in and help heal my life. Thank you God, Lydia, Fred, Momma, Shaina, Fred, and the rest of you.. I love you all.
Each of you have done something different in my life;
1.) God, and Lydia; God gave me Lydia, and they both helped me grow up, spiritually too!

2.) Fred, always being there when i needed guidance, and a friend, You too Glenda!!

3. ) and the rest of you being there and giving me a place to live for now, and just loving me, and being there when I needed Friends.
4.) Special Thank You; Lydia thank you for Loving a porcupine like me, and always being there, and I do/did Appreciate you, i was never able to express my gratitude. All I want is you happy even if that means happy without me!!

To end this blog I want to know why is it that when I start to forget her, God brings her back to my dreams.

Who's Fault?? "OUR" fault????

Today is another day that has sent me to a new level. You know when get out of a relationship, there is so many things that change within you. Your way of thinking, feeling, and how you look at the other gender.
Right now, I care nothing for the other gender (besides my friends). Today i was told by my x that everything that happened within our marriage was my fault. I a chuckle about this, i wonder how I get blamed for everything. I will take part of the blame but, marriage is a two way street, and it take 2 people to build a relationship, and 2 people to destroy it. I know in my heart it is not my fault entirely for OUR failure. As i was not the one that left, and i was not the one that wasn't willing to do couple counseling. or work on our issue. I guess it is easier to run than fix love.
I know i was not perfect, but who is the person that has taken the high road. who can look look back and say" You know I tried to fix our issue's, and our love.' For this to happen it takes to people wanting to fix the relationship. If that other person is not wanting to fix it, time to move on. I know that god has a special person in store for me when i am ready. I do not need to comform to somebody for everlasting love. When i am ready i will search for you love, until then wait for me.

Goodbye, Desiree Hope life delivers all that you seek, and god be with you.

Stop and Stare

Another beautiful day in paradise. Today i got up at 7am and went hiking on one of the mountains around me. I got to the top and was able to to see the sun rising over the mountain and to see phoenix's Valley of the Sun.

It is amazing to see what god has put in front of you, only if you stop and smell the roses, and touch the caterpillar's as you pass. =P I took a moment from my walk,and myself. I stood there praying to God, and it felt like all time stopped around me. All that he put in front of me, Seemed to Come to a complete halt.. I just wished desiree was here with me to enjoy it. But you know it is ok. I know god has special things in store for me, and i will gladly wait to see what he will bring me.



Never let the fear of failure be an excuse for not trying. Society tells us that to fail is the most terrible thing in the world, but I know it isn't. Failure is part of what makes us human.
~Amber Deckers~