Superannuated

As threads of the time stream, and life drags on, we must succumb to the exhausting efforts of our lives. We must figure what is important and what is trivial strife to us. What do we do what do we say. I can tell you i have died. I have died both on the internal, and exterior, spiritual. When I was alive I was being strangled both by grief and guilt.
These silent killers had suppressed both my air, and my life. Equivocal thoughts were always haunting me, and stalk me in the shadows of my mind. These are the mental pictures I think about this when i describe my thoughts, and mental status at that time. Picture a box of thousands of wires twisted and bound together jumbled in to a small box. This was before my death picture. Now look at the picture below. this is what i have done to my brain after i died. I have harnessed , and rewired my myself. It has taken diligence, and determination.


You may ask me why so happy? What makes me better now? Very simple one word. God!!!

Now with that I must say that I have always been a christian, and a firm believer in Jesus Christ. I know that he died for my sin so that i may have eternal life. I was once married to a extremely beautiful christian girl too. She taught me many things about myself and what it was like to love GOD. I was envied at what she had, and i wanted the same. My spirit, and physical body had a war, and spirit lost. I felt like a mere child next to Goliath. I was was not aware of what i know now. If i was i would not have lost the most wonderful woman in my life, if i didn't worry about other people so much. It is not what what other people think of your belief, but what Jesus, and his Father believes in you.

It has taken me less than 18 days to find my myself, and become whole and happy. It is amazing that I feel this great. I find my old shell from time to time and laugh at it. My life has taken such a turn recently, God has awaken a Fire in me that i cannot describe. It makes me brighter than i have ever been. Happiness is what i have found being by myself. I know that God has a wonderful woman in store for me when I decide that i am ready to date again. For now i am finding happiness in god, and myself. I have loving people in my life that have seen me through this mess, and continue praying for me. You know who you are. Thank you. Thank you for what you have endured to see me through this. Call upon me, when u need help loved ones. It is my turn to carry you now.

Hurt

Today is another day like all the rest. It is not what today is, that makes it wonderful but what the day means to you.

Today is another beautiful sunny day. I am once again, I feel left alone and broke. Today is my heart is broken again. It is not a new thing, for my heart to hurt, but new because of the distinctness i feel. Today is really a my day to vent what i am feeling.

Before reading please scroll down and click 2x on "Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse.

Today's Blog is brought to you by Lydia, my ex-wife. As those closest to me know I was recentley divorced. this was not by choice but rather by force. This is not something i wanted to happen. .I donot feel any ill will or hatred, instead I feel joy, and happiness. Not due to the separation, but because what it caused me, to see. It took so much to focus all my engery and to lose everything. I have fond a new joy because of what is missing in my life. It is God. I have talked abot what i always wanted, but i never imagined at what cost it would come. I love lots of things, but to find this i had to lose "The Most Important Thing In My Life....Lydia, my WIFE".



Now I still talk to her, and email when something important come up. But she has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me. I have spent almost a year by myself, not only a promise to her but god. I can honestly say my heart is never going to heal, the scar that was left there will remain for ever. It is like a reoccring event everyday i get up. I wake up alone, I spend my day trying to heal. I find myself making and losing ground. To be clear my heart and I miss you, nothing is stronger on my heart than trying to get back my wife. yo are my current in life, and god will not let you go. I still know that he wants us to be together.I cannot force you to love me, nor will I. I wish my love in supporting what you want. My heart and mind are much stronger and loving than ever before.

Now so you all know it was not just her that caused our seperation. It a was because of the things I did in our marriage. I know that yo will read this However i found the meaning of this scripture:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I can honestly say from my heart this is how i feel about her. I truly honor this verse with her. I cannot control how she thinks and feels about me. However as god says; I will never change these feeling about her. She will always be my everything.

In closing I will say say this LOUD, and PROUD

"Lydia, despite how you feel about me, One thing will never change I WILL FOREVER LOVE YOU. With my entire heart and soul. I will never give up on yo or god. Whatever happens will happen, and if i never see you again so be it. I have the memory's of us and When god says it is time, then and only THEN will i move on.

Buggin Out

Isn't life a thought-provoking thing? With every waking moment something new happens. I was dreaming a of my new place i'm in and these bugs came nd started to take parts of my memory away from me. The people in my life started to dissapear in front of my eyes. *Poof* another friend gone, and another memory way gone. What was this disturbing dream i had?
I was then curtailmented from a dead sleep. I have never been awoke from a slumber like this EVER before.
I had this instant thought. . I have been working on improving myself, and making myself better. And i believe this much. The "Bugs" in my dream represent the heterogeneous part of my former self. Each "BUG' part of me carried away a memory of there chosing, these memory is linked to a person. Each person is tied to a certain part of me.
As I find "ME" gaining ground on my true self, I find that each part of me that somebody knows, is dieing. I am gathering each part of my collective self to become the whole person i am now.

It is weirs and each person dissapears, I find that i realy don't mind. It is a part of the former self I was once embodied. I find that i am starting to be happy jst being me. I apologize if this offends anybody, but in a way i don't care either. I am on a road to becoming me. IF nobody likes it, then there are not my true friends, and i don't ned them.

Now for my favorite part of the blog.......Time to bring God in and thank him. As I type this I am standing, (yes i'm standing and typing lol). I have forgotten to thank god for his Glory in saving my life. Not only spiritual but medical as well./ Medical Becase today is the 35th day i have not had my Epilepsy meds. That is right no meds. God has taken care of me in this time til i can get my job. I have had 20 seizures ths to date. I know this seems like alot, and it is. For going this long without meds, it is nothing Normally i would spacing out and freaking out going into one after another. Yet with my faith and trust in god, i believe that he is helping me get through this. I have another 39 days til i start my job.... Am i worried no! God is with me, and my faith and life is in his hand. Remember that i told you before that GOD is running my life, i do not have the right or time to worry about small trivial things like this. So once again God.....Thank you for your bountiful blessing that u willingly give to your people. Thank you for all you do and mostly thank you for giving us your son so that we may be saved. Help us all walk with you Christ.

It is not over til Jesus says it is.

Another sunny day to reflect in god's Glory. Not much has felt like it has happened here, but i realize that more has happened then I physically see. Most people Measure the amont of "change" in a physical form" for what they can see and feel. I myself sense that there is more that has changed with me emotionally than i have ever known.

I feel Calm, and Peaceful, almost. Things has happened in my life that are way beyond my control, and that is the way that I started to "roll". I have given up on life, i have given up control. The driver of my life is no longer me but God.

I know it is kinda sick to say but " I long for my suffering". My suffering means that God is in controls and it shows that he is with me. Now for those of you following me, you know the amount of pain i have, and am enduring. As these times are among me i have excepted this pain, and decided to let god keep control. This is a very hard thing for me since i like to be in control of my life. I have Join forces with my local church and i am volunteering my time. I must say this is the best thing that has happened to me. For the first time in my life i am healing from the inside out.

God has done many things in my life, though I want to blame hime for all that has happened i feel an inner peace that has allowed me to forgive some of my personal feelings. He has helped me realize what I have done to my loved ones. But slowly god is restoring what i have been resisting. I know that even when my faith is weak, God will stay in control.

I have always lived my life for me, and what people can do for me. When i decided to move to Phoenix, i also decided to get a fresh start. You all know this is true as many of you have heard tone in my voice change from frustration, to peace, and hope. Continue to pray for me, and what i am enduring... Praise God

Know that when you pray, and know in your heart, God he will answer your prayers.

Deliberation Time

As i sat and meditated my life today i made a empiricism. What was that you ask? Here I sit in 12,419 day of my life, I figured out what I noticed about my life. My Life has always been measured by what i have done in my life. I have discovered that my life is not about what I accomplish but what I have already in my life. Yes, I have taken the road NOT traveled. lol =P Some people take a road less travel, I on the other hand take the road not traveled. Why you may ask?

I believe that you can learn more if you take the hardest path. the harder the path the better the lesson is learned. Picture this for me: You walk in to a Super market, that you have never been to before. As you grab your shopping cart, you are arriving at a conclusion. That conclusion whether consciously, or subconsciously is where you start. What aisle you go down is like life. You go down aisle 12, and in the produce area was a check made to cash for $10,000 You made the wrong choice, or did you? At the beginning of aisle 11 there is somewhere there that you meet that will change your life more that that blank check. I live my life like that. I Pray to meet as many people that god wills me to. Unknowingly improving my life.

For example, my dear friend Shaina. When i first saw her, i felt a connection. I was unaware the impact that this "Girl" would have on my life. She brought back me back to the beginning. God had brought this friend to me in my time of need. She was a there when i needed to discuss things in my life, as i was for her. She is the 'MOST AMAZING' person that i know. (I know allot of people too.)

Thank you for letting me ramble but back to my discovery!!

I figured that the people in my life are the most important things in my life. Granted i have had allot of heartaches, and pain and misery in my life. I sit here with only a suitcase full of clothes, and an empty room. But i am not in despair. No, instead i celebrate the things that i do have, the joys, and wonder God has brought to my life. I Thank god i Have a place to stay, people that lovingly encourage me, pray for me, and love me. I need nothing else than the Joy, and Mercy of Yahweh.

God took everything from me that was important to slam me in the mud. Now, i and not trying to paint a bad picture of him, or am i bashing him. Rather I am thanking him. Why? Because, I know in my heart that I really must go to the bottom of of the hole before i can even think of starting to climb out. I am "Broken", and I know this. I just wanted to tell you all, Thank You! Thanking for letting me ramble, and vent. Thank you for putting up with drama, and more importantly thank you for being You!! You are all treasured in you own way and yo know how i feel about each one of you..

Faith in God

As i sit here and ponder the way way things have turned out. I often wonder what "GOD" has in store for me. Why is it that I feel he is teaching me so much? What does he have in store for me, and why?
Now, I look at my life I don't regret 99.9% of the things i have done. I have lived a very fulfilling life. I have lived a lifetime in the time i have been here, i have met many people, and many friends. Why i regret the small things in life? I have the good lord in my life and that is VERY Important to me, but what is love? Love, is a tool that cannot be explained to another person. We can describe what love is, yet we cannot explain the human emotion. Why does an emotion that cannot be described, hurt so much when we are unloved by those that we chose to give are hearts to.
Many time I have loved. Many times, I have been loved yet in each instance the feeling was different. I have felt accepted, and cherished, wanted and needed. It was not til the last the last time I was was loved, that I begin to understand the hardest emotion to understand. When You are loved you feel all the above and move. It is a sense of peace, and tranquility. A feeling that i want back. I still love her to this day.I don't know what life will bring me, or what what God has in store for me, But I will wait as long as it takes for God, to fulfil the promise of me being happy. What will happen to my heart? Will I love the way I once did? Will it be the same person? God only knows, and I must have faith in him throughout this trial. He shall see me through but i must wait til he is ready and not rush him. I will praise him through this storm, and i will lift my hands. No matter where i am. I only he knows what he is doing, and i am not about to take the Wheel, from him. How much do u trust the lord??? Who is driving your life car??

Light in the Dark

Another day, and heartbreak. Well the hardest christmas of my life is over. It has been the hardest Christmas of my life. This christmas was so hard due to the Recent events in my life. Thouse that read read this are going to to know what i'm talking about.

Christmas Eve was excatley 8 months since this major life occurance has happened. I don't know what say, or do. My heart is longing for a simplertime, and a faded memory of many things. I know that my life is not a hard thing but when your heart learns to love things make sure it is treated with the upmost care and importance.

I miss the happy memory's that we shared in so many years together. I miss her smile, her laugh and personality. She was my verything and more.

I now live my life trying to find meaning and stability, and happiness by my self. I am learning to express myself both physically, and mentally. I am trying to better myself and find the reasons that i am doing this. All i have to say is that i have loved more than i ever have and learned so many lessons in this short time of my trials. Do not feel sorry or pity for me, nay instead celebrate the joy's that i have ocured. My life is only begining to form to the will of God. He is the only person that is going to get me throgh this day. It is by his glory and grace that i praise him for the storm i'm going through.